How to Get Your First Submissive

Can’t get a job without experience; can’t get experience without a job.

Many of us who set out to practice dominance run into the same paradox as first-time job seekers. People looking to submit often value experience, confidence and skill in a dominant partner; and it can seem like no one is willing to take a chance on a newbie who’s still figuring power exchange out for themselves.

Here are four tips for getting your foot in the door.

1. Study.

Get books about dominance and read them. Watch instructional videos, not just erotic ones. Join discussions about power exchange online. Take classes and join in-person discussion groups if those are available to you. Don’t accept any one source as gospel truth but absorb several, keeping the pieces that make sense to you.

Studying helps you in two ways. The obvious way is that it lets you develop a base of knowledge about power exchange without needing a partner to practice with, and avoid making some of the more common mistakes when you do get a first partner. The other way is that it demonstrates that you’re sincere about becoming good at dominance. Being able to talk about the books you’ve read and the classes you’ve taken signals to others that even if you’re inexperienced now, you’re not planning to stay that way.

2. Bring Your Whole Self to the Table.

Many people are interested not just in a dominant, but in a person with whom to engage in power exchange. Having that person be interesting, trustworthy, thoughtful or just pleasant to be around can be more important to them than a resume of BDSM skills.

If you’re presenting yourself entirely in terms of power exchange desires and abilities, you aren’t giving people the chance to get interested in you as a human being. That’s a disadvantage for anybody, but especially for someone whose dominant resume is blank.

Look for ways to connect with potential partners as people. The best place for this is at in-person social events⁠ like munches, discussion groups, happy hours or anywhere that kinky people gather to chat and network. If that kind of event is available to you, go there and don’t begin your conversations with “I’m into flogging and anal play, how about you?” Engage people on low-pressure, non-kinky topics that give you both an excuse to relate as human beings. Ask them what they’re interested in. Tell a funny story about something that happened to you last week.

Online social spaces can work well too. Look for places where people are being genuinely social⁠—where they’re making friends and sharing jokes and talking about their hobbies⁠—as opposed to meat markets where everyone’s directly focused on getting to sexytimes as quickly as possible.

You don’t have to impress people with what a domly dom you are right off the bat. You don’t have to wear black leather or introduce yourself with a made up title. You don’t have to act intimidating or edgy or bossy or supremely confident at all times. You’ll go further by acting genuine: dressing in a way that helps you feel comfortable, talking about things you’re really interested in, and giving people a chance to get to know the real you. Dominance can come up after you’ve established some rapport.

3. Play Around.

Kink culture is full of opportunities for light, casual kinky play. There are plenty of folks who are up for getting a little spanking at a play party. There are “lab” style events where participants take turns practicing knots on one another or trying out impact implements on each other’s butts. There are online roleplay forums where strangers enjoy co-creating steamy fantasies. There are classes with hands-on workshop components.

Once you’ve invested some time and energy into connecting with kinky people as people, if you’re showing up in community being friendly and interested in others, it’s very likely some of those people will be down to play with you. Again: I’m talking about light, friendly, probably non-sexual, playful play, probably online or at a public venue. This isn’t having someone commit to obeying your every word, or sign up for a full-scale scene.

Play around with a goal of having fun and making friends. Play non-sexually with people who you aren’t sexually attracted to. Invite people to try small and specific bits of non-sexual play, and then don’t immediately press them for more. Help other folks realize their fantasies, even if their fantasies aren’t hot for you. Try new things. Don’t be afraid to get silly. Listen carefully to what people want and don’t want, and make it a top priority that people you play with have a good time. Pay attention to your own boundaries, and say no to anything that falls outside them.

Even if what you really want is something deeper and more substantial⁠, there are benefits to playing around. You get practice with skills and techniques. You get experience with things like negotiation and awareness of your boundaries. It gives you a way to engage with kinky friends and kinky community that’s more invested than just chatting at a munch, without having to leap all the way to asking someone to commit to a full scene or submit to you as your property. If you treat people well, you’ll start developing a reputation as someone who’s good to play with. As you build a reputation as someone who’s good to play with, you’ll have an easier time connecting with people for more substantial play or D/s relationships.

4. Have Patience.

Here’s the hard part.

Sometimes you can be doing everything right and still have a long search. Part of that has to do with what dating opportunities are available to you and how easily you connect with others, and part of it is just plain luck. What’s for certain is that desperation, bitterness or despair will poison anyone’s chances of finding a partner in the future.

I’ve seen folks show up at one munch, find no one who’s interested in submitting to them, and never come back. Other folks do keep coming back, but develop a bitter cynicism or thirsty desperation

that repels potential partners. They get impatient and over-focused, aggressively hitting on every new person who they find attractive and not “wasting their time” connecting with anyone else. This behavior is profoundly unattractive, and creates a cycle of rejection and even greater desperation.

Be prepared for your search to take a while, and find ways to remain positive while it does. Look for dating spaces that you’ll enjoy even if you don’t go home with a partner, and look for friendly connection even with people who are not potential submissive partners. An evening spent socializing with friends is a pleasure, not a failure or a waste of time. And while you are having a good time with your friends, whether at a munch or on a Discord server, you are much more attractive than the person who is desperately hunting for submissives.

There’s no silver bullet and no guarantees, but if you learn all you can, connect with your whole self and play the long game, you can drastically increase your appeal to potential submissive partners.