If anyone you’ve played with accuses you of mistreating them, you are guilty of playing with them in such a way as to leave them feeling mistreated. If you’re sure they agreed to the things you did with them, and they say they didn’t, you are guilty of failing to communicate. If they did agree […]
One of my all time favorite sex toys is the Fleshlight that a partner of mine carries around for me between her legs. It’s right where a person’s genitals would be, but we’ve long established that she is not a real person and does not have genitals of her own. A person’s genitals, after all, […]
I bring my hand down hard on the tender upper part of her inner thigh. She gasps and tenses. Her whole body shakes as she fights the reflex to slam her knees together. Then: I watch the spasm pass. I hear the rushing intake of her breath. I see her body relax again, more completely […]
“Women say they want nice guys, but really they go for the bad boy.” This narrative is based on two really dumb ideas—the sort of ideas that are obviously dumb when you they’re stated directly, but that can slide into your thinking unnoticed when they’re merely implied. The first dumb idea is that women, as […]
When I published The Heart of Dominance, I wasn’t sure if anyone other than few friends was going to buy it. Finding out the answer to that question was one of my reasons for wanting to publish. I think about power exchange a lot. Like: a lot. I had all these ideas and explanations and […]
The idea of kink shaming as a thing to avoid is useful concept, and like all useful concepts it can be misapplied. Mainstream society is savagely judgmental of sexual pleasure, and cruel towards anything and anyone that stands out as different. I don’t think that’s news to any of us who have desires for unusual […]
Y’all know what FetLife is, right? Big social media site for kinksters? So far as I know it’s the biggest, widest-spread group of out-of-the-closet kinky people all talking with each other together in one place that’s ever existed, and that fascinates me. I love cruising the larger groups and seeing what people are talking about, […]
An excerpt from my upcoming book “Ways to Play With Power,” posted in response to someone in the Novices & Newbies group on Fetlife asking about pretty much exactly this situation. ~***~ Power relationships have their natural ebb and flow of focus on the dynamic, but sometimes we can fall into an ebb so deep […]
“How can I find a real dominant?” is one of the most common and most urgent questions asked in kink communities all over the world. We’ve wrestled with our submissive yearnings. Maybe we wasted years denying them. Now that we’re finally ready give ourselves permission to make them real, the need to find someone to […]
Resistance, as I’m using the word here, is the frustrating experience of wanting to submit but having a hard time actually letting go and doing it in the moment. It is fundamentally an internal conflict in the mind the submitting partner, but it often becomes a conflict between partners when frustration leads to blaming one […]