How to Find Partners on FetLife

Y’all know what FetLife is, right? Big social media site for kinksters? So far as I know it’s the biggest, widest-spread group of out-of-the-closet kinky people all talking with each other together in one place that’s ever existed, and that fascinates me.

I love cruising the larger groups and seeing what people are talking about, and one of the questions I see asked most often is some version of “How do I get a date here!?”

Often the answer they get is some version of “FetLife isn’t a dating site,” which is true, but incomplete–as well as being pretty discouraging.

FetLife isn’t optimized only for dating, like ALT or OKCupid. Instead it’s a community site, and that makes it an even more powerful tool for finding people to kink with than the dating sites are. You just have to use it right.

I started writing an explanation of how to use FetLife as a path to kinky abundance, and it turned into a small book! I’ve made it available as an ebook on a pay-what-you-want basis.

How to Find Partners on FetLife

I’m hoping it can do a community service by helping some folks learn to use Fet more appropriately, and find their heart’s desire in the bargain. If you think the guidance is sound, please drop the link to folks you see asking “How do I find partners here!?”

I’m also hoping it’ll serve as promotion for my other writing, of course. I continue to be flattered by the reviews for The Heart of Dominance, (see link in sidebar) and my second power exchange guidebook, The Dominance Playbook, will be coming out from Greenery Press in April!

Here’s an excerpt from How to Find Partners on FetLife.


Slow Down

The first thing to do, to get yourself on the path to kinky abundance, is to slow down. Slowing down is the single most valuable piece of advice I have to give about all kinds of sex, kink and relationships in general. It applies to everything from flirting to penile intercourse to creating D/s dynamics.

If you go straight to the personal ad forums and start posting for partners, then depending on who you are and what you’re seeking you’re likely to get either no responses at all, or responses from people who are no good for you.

I see so many people fall on their faces trying to go too fast. Some people get trapped in a place of scarcity and desperation for years by their own impatience.

They find some pool of kinky people, whether online or face-to-face, rush in and immediately proposition every person they find superficially attractive. Getting no immediate takers, they conclude that no one wants them or that the group is useless. So they never go back. Or they lurk on the fringes, coming back around to hit on people again every once in a while, but never taking the time to make a friend.

Some people have superficial qualities that enable them to get dates or relationships easily and quickly. Young, thin women are the obvious category, though not the only one. When they wade into a new pool of kinky people they are likely to be showered with offers immediately, but all those immediate offers are coming from people who don’t know you, don’t know what you want, and don’t particularly care. All they know is that you’re hot, and they’re looking for a hot person to impose their fantasies onto. Many people—eager to explore—leap into hard play or a deep relationship with the first swaggering domly dom or big-talking “I’ll do anything for you” bottom to scoop them up, then have a terrible experience and never come back.

The strategy described in here is slow. It won’t get you a date tonight. It involves spending time doing a lot of things that aren’t directly finding a partner, in order to build a foundation for finding good connections later.