The Pleasure of Wanting

Do you live in the Bay Area? On November 5 I’ll be teaching Orgasm Denial for Society of Janus. Come join me!

October is wrapping up, and the Great December Gift Orgy is coming into view on the horizon. Is there something you want, but you’re going to have to wait two long months until the holidays (or until you get your tax return) to get it? When you want something you can’t have (yet), do you daydream about it, and get more and more excited the closer you come to (hopefully!) acquiring it?

Now think about the last thing you wanted really badly and did get. Does it still occupy your thoughts and excite you like it did before you got it? Or has the pleasure of having it faded, compared to the pleasure of wanting it?

One of the sexiest words a D-type can say is “no.” Not “no” just to flex their authority or “no” to teach their s-type a lesson, though those can be sexy too, but “no” to give their partner the gift of wanting.

For a person who is able to get off reliably and without excessive effort, an orgasm is nice, but not exactly a special occasion. Take that same person and tell them they aren’t allowed to cum, and watch orgasm become the Holy Grail. Instead of just cumming and going back to thinking about what’s for dinner, they get to keep thinking about orgasm, yearning for it, obsessing over it. They get to imagine how wonderful it would be. If you give them a countdown (whether in seconds or in weeks) they get to feel their excitement build as they get closer to release.

It doesn’t have to be about orgasm either. What we’re talking about is using dominant authority to create restraint and magnify desire. You can do that with any kind of luxury your s-type craves. Do they love seeing you naked? You could get a robe and make full views of your body into a rare and special treat. You could decide that they only get to have their favorite flavor of ice cream when they’ve been especially good.

Don’t just tell them “no” and leave it at that, though. Rub their face in it. Order them to close their eyes while you change in front of them. Take your time and make sure they can hear each garment hit the floor. Require them to keep track of how many days it’s been since they earned ice cream and be able to tell you the number without checking any time you ask. Get off in front of them. Be loud and expressive about how great it is.

If you hold a treat out of reach, and tease them with what they aren’t allowed to have, you can wind your s-type up into a desperate knot of anticipation that’s loads more exciting than simply being given the treat ever would have been.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Different people’s passions flow differently. As with every other kink, denial is not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay.